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The Mental Load

Updated: Jul 6, 2021

Listen to the Marriage and Martinis Podcast and don't forget to Rate & Review!

5) This Village Is Amazing!

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who listened to last week’s episode on "the mental load" and was so incredibly wonderful in your responses and messages. We were extremely close to not releasing the episode, but I knew deep down that if anyone can handle raw and uncomfortable, it’s this community. We will certainly be doing a follow-up episode sometime in the near future and I will keep you updated on that. I think the greatest takeaway from doing this past recording is that as a society, we have a lot to do concerning expectations of domestic labor and parenting. Some of you messaged me and said you were petrified to bring this subject up to your partner, and I TOTALLY understand that. These conversations are hard and draining. But as I said last week and in the episode, while things are obviously far from perfect between Adam and me now concerning this topic, breakthroughs are incremental. The first step might be just listening to this episode together (or both listening separately) and using Adam and my journey as the catalyst for discussion. My heart breaks when I think about how many of us are struggling with this overwhelming burden. I promise I will keep digging deep to find strategies and practices that can help make it a bit more manageable for all of us.

4) “Keep The Fights Clean, And The Sex Dirty”

I’ve heard this quote so many times. Once I heard it was Kevin Bacon who originally said it, another time was Goldie Hawn….I have no idea from whom it originally came. I do know it’s very much easier said than done. Fighting clean and fair in a relationship is damn hard. This Monday, we have Kim and Penn Holderness, the viral sensation behind “The Holderness Family,” coming on the podcast to discuss their new book, “Everybody Fights.” They worked for months with a marriage coach to break down their biggest, and in some cases, funniest fights. The four of us compare stories of our most ridiculous fights (theirs was about a bra, ours was about a pot in the sink), why we fight in front of our kids instead of hide our arguments, and their months of work with a marriage coach and what they learned about how to "fight fair." Subscribe to the podcast to listen to this episode first thing Monday Morning.

3) Women’s History Month Ideas To Celebrate With Your Kids

(or during some alone time)

a. Attend A Virtual Exhibit has tons of awesome, virtual exhibits about everything from the Women’s Movement, to a history of the women in NASA, Women in the Olympics, and so much more.

b. Create a playlist together of great women artists throughout the years and listen while you make an old family recipe or do something to honor the women of your heritage or your ancestors (art project, craft, watch old videos, look through pictures). Some of the badass artists on Mia and my playlist include: Pink, Billie Eilish, Nina Simone, Dolly Parton, Mary J. Blige, Gwen Stefani, Aretha Franklin, and soooo many more! (keep an eye out in my stories next week for the list to our WHM playlist).

c. Take the super fun “shero” (she and hero) quiz and find out who your inner shero is!

d. Have a movie marathon of films “by women for women.”

e. Work together on this Famous Faces Of History Collaborative Poster and then hang in up in your house for the month of March!!

2) Danielle and Adam’s “Fight Less About Money” Fund

I honestly get giddy when I wake up on Thursday to start planning our "Friday Five email" and Date Night Questions. The pride and happiness I feel when you send me pictures and messages of you and your partner sitting and having important conversations sparked by these questions is amazing. However, we do put so much time and effort into all of this (it looks easier than it is, trust me), and being a podcaster and content creator often comes with little financial compensation. We would be so grateful if you could contribute the equivalent of “buying Adam and me each a drink,” this week (this is NOT A RECURRING PAYMENT) so we can keep putting out all of this content and possibly purchase some much needed new equipment. If you’ve been enjoying the Date Night Questions, our instagram, and our podcast, and feel like it's worth the work and effort for us, we're stepping outside of our comfort zone and asking you to kindly choose one of the following one-time contribution options, IF YOU ARE ABLE us, we know the pandemic has been hard. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support.

We also have Venmo! You can find us on Venmo @marriageandmartinis

OR scan the QR code. Thank you so much!


From this upcoming week’s episode: “Everybody Fights, with Kim and Penn Holderness.” One partner asks the other and vice versa. These are meant to spark meaningful conversation, so please try to listen, inhale, exhale, and discuss. *THIS IS A SHAME-FREE ZONE*

- What is a fight that we’ve gotten into that sticks out in your mind that now you look back on and think, that was so ridiculous, how did we even fight about that?!

- Do you think our fights/arguing styles have changed over the years? If so, how? Have the main themes of our fights changed or are they basically still the same?

- Is there a fight or argument from your past (with anyone, doesn’t have to be me), that you think back on and wish you could redo differently? Whom was it with and what would you do/say differently? Is it too late, or is there a way you could still get out what you want to say (see also “unsent letters” from our February 5th, 2021 Date Night Questions).

- In a perfect world, how do you wish a fight between the two of us would end? What would the culmination look like? What do you think each of us can do even a little differently to make the outcome resemble this vision?

- "Aftercare" is a concept that originated in the BDSM community, and it generally refers to the things you do to make sure everyone is okay and taken care of after sex play. It is argued that couples should use aftercare in many other situations, too, such as after an intense disagreement, when we are drained and feeling raw and lonely. As partners, do you think we ever practice aftercare? If yes, what does aftercare look like in our relationship? How can we deepen these actions even more? If we don't, what actions could we get into the habit of practicing after a fight to re-connect and make sure the other person is okay? This might take baby steps, but it's worth implementing even in small doses.

For more prompts and questions for open and honest communication, plus bonding challenges and strategies for discussion, get our Date Night Questions Experience ebook.

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