It’s common knowledge among my family and friends that I should never be in charge of anything that involves deadlines, phone calls, traditional etiquette, and just any type of organizing. I’ve created a circle of people in my life who are well-aware of this, and accept these shortcomings. They understand that I'm that person who texts the morning of your party to find out when it starts, because I never wrote it down, and the invitation is definitely buried deep in the black hole of my house. I am the mom in the group thread who says, “oh shit….conferences were today?" Or, “wait…they were supposed to dress up as what for spirit week?!” While these aren’t traits I’m necessarily proud of, I've come to realize it's just who I am as a person, regardless of how much I attempt to change. Whether it’s due to my severe ADHD, OCD, and generalized anxiety, or I was just born a hot mess, I’ve become intentional about designing my life around these realities. I’ve built a brand and career out of being slightly unhinged and unconventional, and I consistently kept my life as clear as possible of humans who have little patience and flexibility. Those who embrace the total chaos and messiness that is Danielle, do it because my package deal comes with a great sense of totally inappropriate humor, a lot of excitement as to what crazy shit I’m going to do and say next, and a style of expressing love that’s so open, outward, and awkward, that I am sure a few of my friends wonder if I’m actually in love with them (side note: I actually am a little bit in love with each of my closest friends).
I truly am sort of a, “walking-logistical-nightmare,” guided by an irresponsible amount of spontaneity and constant desire to honor my "edgier" side. There's also my lack of respect for many societally-created-and-upheld “rules,” as well as my aversion to the overall concept of time (it's soooo constraining). But, peel back that superficial layer, and the next is where I shine! The version of myself who is actually at the party (always late but worth the wait), naturally creating safe spaces for people to be their authentic selves, and relentlessly striving to make every moment memorable, unique, and filled with connection.
So when I decided that to be the sole party planner for my youngest son’s Bar Mitzvah, I knew it very well could wind up a disaster. However, my desire to save money and the fact that I wanted to have the freedom to,“FTR” (fuck them rules), was enough motivation. My choice to embark on the path of Party Planner was determined this past July, giving me approximately four months to plan what most professionals put together in at least a-year-and-a-half. Perfect! Let the shitshow begin! But in the end, I’m proud of how, in that venue, for those few hours, love, joy, and celebration reigned supreme. Here are three takeaways that just might be helpful to so many others, regardless of what kind of gathering you may be planning.
Consideration goes a long way.
As I get older, am less patient and time feels more “of the essence.” I’m more cognizant that people are busy, tired, and stressed. Guests have chosen to attend a planned event over all of the other things they have going on. At my son's Bar Mitzvah, people from age three, all the way up to 82 attended. There’s value in accounting for the different needs of varying age groups, as well as considering guests' travel time, and the fact that many guests will probably need to be up at a decent hour the following morning. I was intentional in curating an experience that felt comfortable and easier for as many guests as possible. Rather than starting the party at 7 and lasting past midnight, we started it at around 4:15 and ended it at 8 pm. People still had to head home in the dark, but they would be less exhausted and more alert. Plus, the shorter length of the party meant that individuals who are drained by social situations (I knew there would be a quite a few in attendance) only had to engage for a fraction of the time. We requested that the DJ keep the music volume at a level that felt energized, but not so loud that people couldn’t maintain a conversation. We also scrapped “black tie” and “cocktail,” requesting that people, “wear whatever you’ll feel best partying in!” While it's a vague description and more than a few people asked for further clarification, I meant exactly what I wrote. If someone loves dressing up, go for it! If someone is more comfortable in their favorite pair of nice jeans and a fun top, then go for it! I wanted people to feel like themselves. Leave the Spanx and constraining neckties at home, and finally have an opportunity to wear that outfit they had in their closet waiting to be worn. I wanted an anti-dress-code. I felt so good giving that option, and will definitely keep do that for every event I throw.
It matters who you work with.
While researching prospective vendors, I found a lot of talented, highly-praised professionals. But this was an opportunity to support local, small businesses. I wanted to highlight women-owned services, concentrating on those who were still building their brand, and might be more flexible to listen more closely to my own ideas without being annoyed or inconvenienced. I wanted to feature fresh, original concepts and ideas. Because I stayed true to my gut, that’s exactly what happened. I was so impressed with the talent of a young balloon and decor specialist, and greatly appreciated how she listened intently as I shared plans. Kilsy, from Time To Party Balloons, had the incredible ability to turn vision into a reality. She was enthusiastic, open-minded, and easy going every step, making the whole experience so much more enjoyable. Melissa, the wonder of female-founded Graze and Decor, blew me away with how she had this natural ability to transform mundane cuisine into magnificent works of art. Every detail was creative and unique. Melissa and Kilsy didn’t just elevate our party with delicious food and amazing decor, but they created jaw-dropping conversation-starters. A party might only be a few hours, but we all know we need to interact a whole lot more leading up to it. Those interactions can really make or break the person who’s planning. Luckily, I met women who were supportive, embracing, and determined!
Rebel events are the most memorable.
I'm obsessed with how couples are really saying fuck them rules when planning their weddings. Nixing the white gown for something more wild and fun, serving Raising Canes Chicken wings in lieu of prime rib, and Karaoke instead of the standard DJ (just to name a few). There’s so much we can all learn from this mentality. Why are any of us, at any age, conforming to traditions and practices that don’t align with our personalities or principles? If a party is a celebration of a person or a few people, shouldn’t just about every aspect reflect them? Obviously, our son’s Bar Mitzvah was, at its core, a religious occasion. But, we made the decision to do the “a-la-carte” version. We had the service in a barn instead of a Synagogue. I had friends who weren’t Jewish come up and do secular readings chosen by them (or me) that would feel relatable to our son, and to everyone listening. We served Champagne while my son read his hebrew portion. Rather than remaining quiet and “disciplined” throughout the service as is usually expected, we all cheered when the Bar Mitzvah boy finished even the simplest of prayers, “WOOHOO'd!” when a friend or family member was called up to be honored. It had our family’s personality written all over it. It didn’t feel generic. It felt very, very specific, while still rooted in certain traditions that felt most meaningful to us. It felt good to be true to our core, rather than a carbon copy because that’s the “standard.” It felt more authentic to be a little bit of a rebel, while still making sure it was all rooted in the threads that connect us to our culture and our ancestors, and it gave us the opportunity to make more guests feel like insiders rather than outsiders.
To me, hosting isn’t about impressing people as much as it’s about coming together in a way that allows everyone to be the most comfortable version of themselves. In that comfort, we can each feel more carefree, letting loose and embracing the the overall experience. Curating a scenario in which the guests can truly unleash and unwind, is a true gift for everyone. Otherwise, these “parties” feel more like obligations. And, honestly, no one needs more of those in their life.
Some questions to ask yourself next time you host anything, from a book club, to a dinner party, to a larger-scale event are:
What logistics, plans, and accommodations can I put into place that will make the greatest impact on people’s ability to truly relax and enjoy themselves? Think about the people you know and love. What are their limitations? What might their concerns be? From the elderly, to the neurodiverse, to parents of young children, the thoughtfulness behind even small details that show concern will be so appreciated and remembered.
Are there ways that people can meet one another if they don’t know many people? Or, simply, get to know one another better? Conversation starters? Interactive activities? For my older son’s Bar Mitzvah, the dress code was Jeans and jerseys. I loved watching as people went up to one another and began talking over shared love of a team (or shared hatred lol). Having a theme added an element that “broke the ice.”
Are there details which may seem cool and trendy, but actually may cause people to feel anxious? I once went to a party in which the dress code was all white. The idea sounded so upscale and chic. But actually, I hate wearing white, don’t really own anything white, and had to go out and purchase a brand new outfit. additionally, I had my period and was constantly heading to the bathroom to check that I hadn’t bled through. This might be a very specific example, but oftentimes, we get carried away with wanting to create a certain aesthetic, that we lose sight of how it might make others feel. Again, it's always nice to demonstrate concern for those who are showing up on your behalf.
What three words describe how you want the atmosphere to feel? This is a great way to really decide if each choice for the event strongly connect back to one or more of those words.
To listen to this week's podcast episode about planning our son's DIY Bar Mitzvah, click here, or download the Marriage and Martinis podcast wherever you listen!
Want to see my favorite stuff when it comes to hosting, whether it's book club, a holiday gathering, or a big celebration? Click here for some fun stuff that will definitely draw attention from your guests and also will be great conversation starters!
Click here for unique, fun holiday gift ideas! Included are lists for tween/teen boys and girls, created by my son and his friends (cause who better than the experts themselves?), plus an amazing list for those people who already seem to have everything and are impossible to buy for! Looking for gifts that will also be educational? Click here!